Spectre of the Past
by KristenLynn
Summary: Black Balloon O/S contest entry. The honeymoon didn't go as planned, and Bella is bitter and resentful. For Edward, there is only one means of escape. But even if he takes it, will he ever be free from the spectre of his past? Angst. PostEclipse AU/canon


**The Black Balloon Contest**

**Title:** Spectre of the Past

**Your pen name: **KristenLynn

**Characters: **Edward and Bella

**Summary:** Black Balloon O/S contest entry. The honeymoon didn't go as planned, and Bella is bitter and resentful. For Edward, there is only one means of escape. But even if he takes it, will he ever be free from the spectre of his past? **Angst**. Post-Eclipse AU/canon

**Disclaimer 1: **The Twilight Saga and all of its characters, situations, dialog, etc. belong to Stephenie Meyer. I have kept a few lines/passages/dialog for use in this story since events that SM wrote (certain aspects of the honeymoon) are part of the plot; no copyright infringement was intended.

**Disclaimer 2: **This story contains sexual content, dark themes and angst-ridden material. Please proceed with caution.

**A/N: **This is my first attempt at both canon and AU/alternate ending. Everything I have written to date has been AH, so if you're coming from one of my other stories, this will likely be a bit different. If I have done my research right, Edward and Bella were married on August 13, 2006.

Thanks to my betas moonlightdreamer33, NowForRuin, and Kaydee1005, and the ladies from the DW (Jenn, Lisa, and April) for pre-reading for me! This story would not be all that it is without each and every one of you. I love all you guys.

* * *

*** * * * * Spectre of the Past * * * * ***

* * *

August 13, 2009

Edward

I sat on the cold hardwood floor, eyes closed, absently spinning the ring on my finger. My wedding ring. A circle of gold with no beginning or end that represented so many promises, so many hopes and dreams. But unlike the infinite circle of precious metal, my hopes and dreams would never come to be; they had all been destroyed on that fateful night three years ago.

I opened my eyes to find that the room had lightened with the coming of the new day. Time meant nothing to me anymore, and I had no idea how long I had been sitting there, unmoving, on the floor of this room—_the_ room. It was empty now; it had been stripped of everything which could possibly remind me of the events of _that_ night, but I would never forget this room. I couldn't allow myself the luxury. This was the place where I had destroyed everything good in my… life, if you could call it that. Only bitter resentment remained.

Raising my head, I glanced to the French doors that led to the beach. The dark clouds hung heavy and low in the overcast sky; it would rain shortly, I could sense it. It was as if God himself had taken pity on me, providing a sinister backdrop for my foul and gloomy mood. Completely fitting, considering what day it was. I twisted the ring on my finger once again.

"Quit fidgeting, Edward," she snapped at me from across the room.

I sighed as I turned my head to look at Bella. She was still beautiful, even though she was pale and cold now. But she was also bitter—something I had hoped I would never see—and it left an ugly pall on her beautiful countenance. Unfortunately, I was the cause for it, a fact I could never forget. A fact she was more than ready to remind me of, again, it seemed. Her voice grated, scratching across my skin like nails on a chalkboard, when she spoke.

"You know I hate it when you brood like this. What's done is done. Live with it. I do."

She shrugged her slim shoulders, demonstrating her indifference. I shuddered at her words, returning to the absent twisting of my ring. She growled low in her throat, irritated.

"_Edward_…"

I sighed again, my shoulders hunching forward in defeat. Tearing my gaze away from Bella's otherworldly beauty, I allowed my eyes to focus on the beach. It was raining now; the clouds had finally lost their battle with the moisture they were attempting to contain. Needing to escape her bitter remonstrations, I pushed myself to my feet and propelled myself, stumbling, to the door. Throwing it open—so hard the glass shattered—I stepped outside and raised my face to the sky. Large, fat raindrops fell from the sky like tears. They pelted my granite skin then dripped down my face, and for a second, I pretended they were the tears I was no longer able to shed. The tears I desperately wished that I _could_ shed. My fists clenched at my side. I wanted to be alone, yet at the same time, I couldn't stand to be parted from her. Besides, she never stayed away for any extended period of time, so I stood in absolute stillness on the beach, _knowing_ she would eventually follow me.

While I waited for her, I stared out into the darkness of the rain, at the timelessness of the ocean, and I was struck once again by the futility of my attempts to make reparations for my past mistakes. She only served to remind me of every bad choice I had made, each and every day. I wanted nothing more than for it all to be over… the second-guessing, the pain, the loss. _Her_. I was tired of it all.

This wasn't the first time I'd had these thoughts. And she was somehow aware of the thoughts that ran uninhibited through my head on an increasingly regular basis.

I didn't have to wait long until her coldly beautiful voice taunted me.

"I know what you're thinking, Edward. How many times have we had this particular conversation? 'Oh, Bella, I'm so sorry, love… this isn't how it was supposed to be…'" She imitated my broken, defeated voice as she taunted me with my own words. She sighed in irritation before she continued.

"You're thinking of doing it again, aren't you? Going to _them_. They refused to help you before; they won't help you now. Besides… you don't _deserve_ their help."

I tensed at her words, but she was only stating the facts—facts I knew were true. I deserved to suffer; I _was_ a monster for having done this to her. I groaned and turned around to find her standing behind me. She had adopted a belligerent stance, her arms angrily crossed at her chest. She was glaring at me with narrowed eyes.

She continued with her rampage, her hands fluttering around to make her points.

"You _owe_ me." She jabbed her finger in my direction.

"You doomed me to this half-life." Her hands encircled her physique.

"_You_ are the reason _I _am stuck here; you damned me to Hell right along with you. The least you can do is stay here with me. Just because things didn't turn out the way you envisioned…" She shrugged her shoulders once more.

I groaned again and sank to the sand in misery. Burying my head in my hands, I tuned her out as best I could, but she continued on relentlessly in the same vein. The more she spoke the more resolved I became in my decision. I had known I would eventually return to Italy, that I would beg for release from the hell in which I had been living. I had gone several times over the past three years, but she'd always managed to stop me before I could make my request. I never questioned her intention; there was precedence for her intercession, and I blindly held to the belief that it was real. Each time that she had prevented me from going to the elders, I had cherished her bitter words—believing they were evidence that she somehow still cared—and I had willingly allowed her to lead me away. But now, after all this time, and after all her vitriolic animosity, I was exhausted and worn down.

I was ready for it all to end.

I looked up, finally ready to confront her. But just as I opened my mouth to speak, I was interrupted by the ringing of my phone. I pulled it from my pocket in frustration and flipped it open.

"Yes!" I snapped.

"Edward?" Alice's voice was small and unsure, panicked. "I've seen…" She took a deep breath, unable to continue with that particular train of thought.

I pinched the bridge of my nose in irritation. I knew what she had seen, and I knew it was pointless to lie to Alice. No one could ever lie to Alice. So, I waited for her to continue. She did so with a ragged, sobbing voice.

"Please don't go... _there_. Come home instead. We can help—"

I cut her off. "It's too late, Alice. I can't do this anymore."

"Edward…" she implored in a voice that was shaking with suppressed emotion.

"What would you do? In my shoes? Could you go on? Knowing… Without…"

I groaned in frustration, unable to finish either of the last two statements, but I knew she would understand what I was trying to say. As expected, I was met by silence. I had my answer. _No._ She couldn't stay tethered to this world either, if she were in my circumstances. She might not agree with my decision, and she definitely didn't like it, but she _did_ understand.

"When?" Her voice was small, uncertain.

"A day or two…"

I heard her gasp. "Will we see you again, first?"

"No," I responded quietly, knowing it was for the best for all of us.

"Where are you right now?"

"With Bella."

"Isle Esme?" she asked.

"Yes. I have to say goodbye. I have to make her understand." Even I could hear the desperation in my voice.

"Make me understand what, Edward?" Bella's distressed voice cut through my conversation with Alice.

I dropped my head and groaned again.

"I have to go now," I told Alice. "Tell everyone I love them."

"Edward…" her voice was pleading again.

"Edward! Make me understand what?" Bella was screaming frantically.

"Goodbye, Alice." I whispered brokenly.

I closed the phone on Alice's frantically pleading voice, and before I could question my decision, I flung it into the ocean. Then I turned to Bella.

"Come on, love."

I held out my hand to her. She looked at it, but all I felt was the cool breeze of her passing as she walked by me in a huff; Bella didn't touch me. She _never_ touched me anymore. She just taunted me with her ethereal presence and her bitter tongue. Eventually, I allowed my arm to drop to my side and turned to walk away from the pretty cottage on the beach—the physical reminder of both my sweetest moment in heaven and my darkest time in Hell.

I headed into the tropical foliage and found the path hidden amongst the greenery. Bella fell into step behind me as I walked up the path. It shouldn't have taken very long—seconds at most with our speed—but I was not in a hurry to reach my destination, nor to have this particular conversation. I walked slowly, taking in my surroundings. We made no noise in our passing; the only sound I heard was Bella's grumbling voice, which followed reluctantly behind me.

"Where are we going, Edward?" she asked in irritation.

I didn't answer; I just kept on walking. Slowly, surely, we ascended the gentle slope of the foliage-filled hill. When we emerged on the craggy out-cropping that overlooked the bay, the anger in Bella's voice disappeared. Her voice was uncertain—scared, even—when she spoke again.

"Edward? Why are we here? I don't like it here. I feel… _exposed_, somehow…" Her voice trailed off as she halted and looked around the small clearing.

Again, I kept walking—this time across the clearing—without saying anything. She didn't follow me.

"Edward!" she pleaded. "Stop! Don't leave me… Something isn't right. I don't like it here!"

The closer I got to the other side of the clearing, the more panicked her voice became. The more panicked _I_ became. I hadn't been back here in three years. I had been to the island; each year on our anniversary, I returned. But I had not come to this specific place. I hadn't been ready to face it. But now, I knew that I had no choice. She had to be made to understand, and I had come to realize that this was the only way.

I came to a halt beside the smooth stone that lay on the ground—it seemed so out of place in this space full of wild abandon—and I squeezed my eyes shut before I once again fell to my knees. If I had needed air to survive, I would have been gasping desperately for breath. Correction. I _was_ gasping desperately for each breath; I just didn't need the air that was filling my lungs in order to survive. I doubled over, hands planted on the ground to keep from collapsing. There was a dull, throbbing ache in my chest, and even though my heart hadn't pumped blood through my veins in almost one hundred years, I swore I could feel it pounding rapidly out of my chest. Beyond that, my body was numb, and I felt nothing. In that moment, I realized that I _was_ nothing.

Bella is, was, and would always be my _raison d'être_.

"Edward?" Bella's wavering voice sounded from across the clearing.

I sighed raggedly, choked back my silent sobs, and raised my head. Once again, I tilted my face to the sky, allowing the raindrops to coat my face like tears. Then I lifted my hand in her direction.

"Come here, love," I beckoned in a quiet, resigned voice.

She shook her head, her eyes wild with fear. "No."

I groaned in defeat, dropping my hand. I once again began twisting the ring on my finger, and I easily heard her frustrated huff, even from all the way across the clearing. My fingers stopped their restless motions, poised on the shiny gold wedding band. Slowly—almost painfully slowly—I pulled it over my knuckle, removing it from my finger for the first time since she placed it there, three years ago today. I held it up, looking through the center like a telescope.

"Edward?" Bella's voice was shocked. It was also closer; I looked up to find that she had taken a few small steps in my direction.

Watching her closely, I slowly lowered the golden band to the slab of stone on the ground. I was hesitant to actually release it, and my hand trembled as I fought with myself to let it go. When I finally pulled my hand back, it was as if I had physically been punched; my gut clenched in rebellion. Bella gasped and took the last few steps necessary to bring her to my side. She flung herself to the ground on the opposite side of the stone.

"Edward! What are you doing?" There was no bitterness left in her voice; only shock and despair. "Why did you take your ring off? Why are you leaving it… _there_?" The volume of her voice had dropped through her questions, and by the end, it was only a faint whisper.

"You don't wear yours anymore," I reminded her quietly.

Her head snapped down in order to look at her own fingers, which were tightly fisted in the loose material of her shirt. Her ring finger was indeed bare. She seemed taken aback by this realization; her brow furrowed into a confused frown, and her head shook side-to-side. Her hair whipped around in the gusting wind, unaffected by the pelting rain. She raised her eyes to me, and they were full of questions.

"I don't understand…"

I sighed.

"Edward?" The panic was rising in her voice.

I nodded to the ring lying on the stone next to her. In a quietly demanding voice, I instructed, "Pick it up, Bella."

The panic spread to her face, and her breath became short and choppy, but she stretched out her hand. It hovered over the stone for a moment before she lowered it towards the ring. Just shy of her target, she halted and snatched her hand back.

"You know I can't," she whined.

I nodded. "I know. I just needed to remind us both."

"Remind us of what?" she asked, but her voice told me that it was a question to which she did not really want the answer.

I groaned in frustration and once again buried my head in my hands. I felt the whisper of the air surrounding me as she moved to my side.

"Edward?" she whispered, her voice tremulous.

I raised my head and tilted it to the side to take her in. She was the closest that she had been in the past three years, sitting here next to me. So close, yet so far away. I raised my arm and reached my hand out to her, desperately wanting to touch her, but she flinched away. I left my hand outstretched in a pleading gesture.

With a cracking voice, I spoke. "Bella, what do you remember about _that_ night?"

Her head started shaking, terror visible on her face. It mirrored my own. I had been careful over the past three years to not think about that night. But I needed her to understand…

"I _need_ you to remember," I pleaded.

Trembling in fear, she squeezed her eyes closed, and then took a shaky breath. I remained silent, waiting… She finally nodded, although her eyes remained tightly shut. Mine drifted shut as well.

"I remember coming to you in the water. You were like a beautiful statue: strong and proud, unmoving. We talked, touched…" Her voice trailed off, and I could hear her smile.

I smiled in return as I visualized the memories that her words invoked.

~/~

_After I suggested the midnight swim, I left Bella in the room, knowing she needed a few moments to herself. A few human moments. I stripped off my clothing as I walked towards the water. By the time I reached the gently lapping waves that brushed the shore, I was naked. I waded in until the water reached my waist, then stopped to wait for her, tilting my head back in order to peruse the heavens._

_I waited a while. Even from the water, I could hear Bella moving about the room, digging through her suitcase, brushing her hair, bushing her teeth, washing her face, taking a shower. Procrastinating. Then silence. The silence dragged on and on, and I began to worry, but then I heard her mutter to herself, and I heard the patter of her feet as she determinedly walked out of the cottage and onto the beach._

_I counted each of her steps as she approached the water, registering her small pause and the muffled sound of the towel hitting the soft sand. Her scent washed over me—sweet, yet complex, a bouquet that was uniquely Bella—a second before the sound of her feet stepping into the water reached my ears. The closer she got, the stronger her scent became. I had already been aroused just thinking of Bella, thinking about what we intended for this evening, but when the scent of __**her**__ arousal hit me, like a punch in the gut, instantly became rock-hard. I sucked in a shaky breath, holding absolutely still as she approached my side and eventually clasped my hand._

"_Beautiful," she stated simply._

"_It's all right," I responded. Turning slowly, I entwined our fingers as my eyes surreptitiously roved her form. Although my own eyes had never directly beheld a naked female form in the context of a lover before, I had seen the naked images of my family members through the minds of their lovers. None of them, in all their vampire glory, compared to the fragile human girl who stood naked by my side. She was beyond beautiful. She was exquisite—perfect—and my eyes could not get enough of the vision that she presented._

"_But I wouldn't use the word __**beautiful**__. Not with you standing here in comparison."_

_She was shyly checking me out as well, although the part of me that she seemed most interested in was partially hidden beneath the water. Again, I had no direct experience, but from what I gathered based on the unavoidable images that flooded my mind on a regular basis, I fell within the range of average for the male form, whether human or vampire. Bella seemed as intrigued by my form as I was by hers, and she smiled as her eyes quickly assessed my nakedness. Her eyes settled on my chest, and she raised her hand to rest against my skin, directly above where my non-beating heart resided. My body involuntarily shuddered at her warm touch, yearning to get closer. I wanted her. In a way that I never imagined I would ever desire another being—after ninety years of being alone, I had never imagined anything different for myself. My breaths became heavy as I struggled to control the raging emotions that were warring within me: my desire to be intimate with her and my desire to keep her safe. The two desires were completely at odds with each other._

"_I promised we would _**_try_**_," I whispered, trying to convey all of my fears to her. "If… if I do something wrong, if I hurt you, you must tell me at once."_

_She nodded, and then leaned her head against my chest. When she spoke, her words resonated throughout my entire body._

"_Don't be afraid." _

_I was shocked. My fragile human girl was telling _me_, a non-destructible immortal, to not be afraid. Did she not realize that I could kill her simply with a misplaced hand? She had more to be afraid of than she could possibly realize, yet she was the one comforting me, and not the other way around. And if her first words shocked me, her next words turned my entire world on its end._

"_We belong together."_

_Her simple declaration soothed me, erasing my worries. Because she was right. I knew it in the depths of my being; we did belong together. I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her tightly against me, relishing in her heat, in the generosity of her heart._

"_Forever," I promised._

_Still cradling her to my body, I moved into the deeper water._

~/~

"What next?" I asked

The smile in Bella's voice was more obvious when she spoke again. Her tone was light and airy, and her voice held a hint of amazement and awe as she described the next events of the evening.

"We kissed and touched some more—I'd never touched or been touched by anyone else like that before, and I had never been more aroused in my entire life. It was completely magical."

It had been.

_~/~_

_As soon as I could no longer stand, I released her. We swam leisurely for a few moments, floating in the water, bodies bumping and brushing lightly. I listened carefully, registering each hitch of her breath whenever my hands would brush across her skin. Smooth, silky, hot skin, which I couldn't resist touching whenever possible. I sucked in my own ragged breath each time one of her hands brushed across my skin._

_Eventually the light, teasing touches weren't enough. Grabbing her hand, I led us back to the shallow depths. When her feet finally touched the ground once again, I turned her in my arms, sliding them around her waist in order to anchor her to me. Lowering my head, I captured her lips with my own. Her small, warm fingers slid up my chest and over my shoulders to rest on the back of my neck, where they lightly stroked my hair. I groaned into her mouth at the sensation her gentle touch elicited, and I reveled at the small whimper that left her lips when I parted them gently with my tongue._

_My hands gripped her waist lightly, and I pushed them up, my fingers coming to rest under her breasts. When I brushed my thumbs over the hardened tips of her nipples, she broke our kiss and gasped._

"_Do you like that, love?" I asked with a smile._

_She just nodded, and I repeated the motion. She moaned softly, her head falling back in supplication. Taking advantage of her momentary lapse, I lowered my head and took one of her turgid nipples between my lips, causing her to moan more enthusiastically. Her legs began moving restlessly against mine, and I took the opportunity to lift her, giving myself better access to her perfectly rounded breasts. She wrapped her legs around my waist, and her hands funneled through my hair, pulling my head more tightly against the hot skin of her chest. When my tongue laved the pebbled peak that my lips had captured, she jerked in response, a desperate-sounding groan rumbling in the back of her throat. If it had been possible for my heart to stop or speed up in response to that desperately needy sound, it would have._

_After a few moments, her hands became restless, eager to explore my frame as well. Dropping from my head, they trailed tentatively over my body, down my chest to my abdomen, and eventually lower, pushing hesitantly between our bodies. Her small hand first touched, and then gripped me lightly, and I hissed when she tentatively stroked my hard length. I jerked upright, tearing my lips from her breast in order to meet her gaze. When she stroked lightly again, I groaned. My eyes drifted shut, and I dropped my head, resting my forehead against hers as I reveled in the feel of her warm palm cupping me, stroking me. I was throbbing with desire, pulsing in time to the blood pumping through her veins, and I pushed my hips gently into her hand with each of her motions._

"_Do you like that?" she repeated my words, an awe-struck tone to her voice._

"_Yes…"_

_The feelings and emotions surging through my body were completely foreign. Nothing—not my own recent attempts at self-gratification or even the discussions with Carlisle, Jasper and Emmett—had prepared me for… __**this**_.._. the feel of Bella's hot hand holding me. I was on fire, yet freezing cold at the same time, and a strange tingling sensation erupted in my abdomen. Logically, I knew what was happening to me, but the sensations were just so… overwhelming. I needed her to stop, but at the same time I needed her to continue. I shuddered in barely suppressed need._

"_Bella…" I warned, my voice cracking as I groaned her name._

_She whimpered softly then gripped me tighter, her stokes becoming more sure as she registered my body's eagerly enthusiastic response. I was preparing to tell her to stop when I realized that a release this way might make the next step easier, less dangerous. For her. _

"_Bella?" I asked, the tone of my voice altering._

"_Will you… Let me… Please?" she asked shyly, her hand pausing in its motions. "It can be like a test… to see how you respond? A test of your control…"_

_I opened my eyes, meeting her gaze. A warm blush spread across her cheeks as I stared deeply into her the liquid depths of her guileless coffee-colored irises. I was worried, terrified actually, but her thoughts mirrored my own, and there was a certain logic in them. My voice was uncertain as I answered. _

"_Are you sure, love?"_

_She nodded, and the blush spread to her chest, but there was a determination in her eyes. Her hand gripped me tighter, and I groaned in response to the sensation. Disentangling her legs from mine, I lowered her so that her feet found purchase in the sandy soil. She looked down to where her hand cupped me and slowly raised her other hand to join its mate. Using both hands, she completely surrounded me, and I sucked in a startled breath when she pumped me slightly. _

"_Is this okay?" she asked nervously._

_I moaned an affirmative response and raised my hands to her shoulders; I needed to center myself, I needed to touch her. _

_Bella stepped closer to me and pumped her hands again, stronger this time. My hands pinched her shoulders slightly as I felt myself come to rest against her hot stomach. I tried not to move, to let her control the motions, but it was too much. The feel of her hands gripping me lightly, surrounding me, sliding slowly up and down my hard length, coupled with the feel of the hot, smooth skin of her stomach bumping against me with each forward thrust of her hands sent me over the edge. Like the inexperienced, untried virgin that I was, I pushed forward into her hands and quickly exploded onto her stomach in thick spurts of cool fluid which floated away in the warm current of the water. _

"_Oh!" she gasped._

_I groaned loudly as I lowered my forehead to her shoulder, somewhat embarrassed by my lack of control over my body. I tried to concentrate on Bella—the sweet scent of her skin, the rapid fluttering of her heart—but I was overwhelmed by the feelings flowing through me. _

~/~

"Yes," I groaned, the images flashing through my mind reminding me of all the overwhelming emotions I had experienced that night, arousing me for the first time in three years.

The tone of Bella's voice mimicked my own; her own longing and desire was clearly evident as she continued with her recollections.

"Then you carried me out of the water, bridal-style, back to the cottage, and we made love."

~/~

_Her tentative voice pulled me back to reality._

"_Um… Edward?"  
_

"_Yes, love?"_

"_So… was that good for you?" she asked hesitantly. With my head still buried in her shoulder, I could smell the sweet flow of blood as it rushed to her cheeks and neck in reaction to her bold question. I took a shuddering breath and smiled against her skin._

"_Yes, love. I don't know how to describe what I feel right now." _

_I didn't. For the first time in my life, I couldn't find the words. There weren't enough, but even if there had been, none encompassed the full range of emotions coursing through my body at this moment._

"_Good."_

_I could hear the smile in her voice_

"_Hmm…" I hummed in response._

_She took a step back, releasing me from her hands. She raised her hands to brush across her body, as if in examination of herself. After a moment, she raised her smiling eyes to mine._

"_See… You didn't hurt me. This is going to work, Edward. I know it. Everything is going to be fine."_

_In that precise moment I believed her. I raised my hands to cup her face tenderly and lowered my lips to hers. After a brief kiss, I swept her up into my arms and effortlessly carried her from the water. She buried her face in my neck with a nervous giggle. I smiled at the sound, for the first time hopeful that… _this_… might actually work. I had waited for her for an eternity, and I was just as tired of waiting as she was. I sped across the sand, now eager to consummate our relationship. _

_I picked up her towel from the beach, and had her wrapped in it by the time I laid her on the bed a few seconds later. She moved to dry herself, but I halted her hands. She looked to me in confusion, and I smiled tenderly at her._

"_Let me," I said simply._

_Bella lay back on the bed, and I reverently brushed the towel across her skin, wiping up each errant drop of moisture that remained. She whimpered, deep in her throat, when my hands brushed the soft cotton across her breasts, and her breath came to a halt when I swiped lightly against her stomach. When I replaced my hands with my mouth, gently brushing my lips across her trembling flesh, she gasped and then funneled her fingers through my hair, holding me close as her back arched off the bed._

_I worshipped her with my mouth, kissing every inch of exposed skin, telling her with my lips and tongue how beautiful I found her, how much I desired her. Her whimpers and moans increased in frequency and intensity as my hands began roving her naked flesh, committing the feel of her body to memory. I worked my way slowly up her body, pausing to pay extra attention to her pebbled nipples. Her restless hands wandered across my shoulders and back as my mouth teased and taunted. _

_Finally, I settled on top of her, propping myself on my elbows to keep my weight off her. The heat of her flushed skin seared me, marked me forever as hers, and I knew that I would never be the same again. I would never be whole or warm or alive without Bella. Her eyes bored into mine, scared yet sure. Full of love. I smiled tentatively and lowered my lips to hers. As I brushed my mouth gently across hers, her hands trailed down to my hips and then slowly around to push against my backside. She parted her legs slightly and her scorching heat—as well as the scent of her arousal—instantly and completely surrounded me. I sucked in a ragged breath as wave after wave of sensation and scent crashed into me, drowning me in its intensity. _

_I was drowning in Bella._

_My body pressed hers into the soft mattress, my hips flexing slightly against hers. Her legs parted further in response, and suddenly, I was surrounded by more than just heat; I was poised at the entrance to a scalding pool of wetness, and we both groaned as my cool masculine length encountered her scorching femininity for the first time. Her hands pressed more urgently against my backside, and I pushed forward slightly so that the underside of my length was drenched in her moisture. Her hips bucked wildly against me, coating me repeatedly with her hot, slick wetness. We both gasped at the sensation, and I gritted my teeth._

"_Easy, love…" I cajoled, needing this to be slow and controlled._

_Bella whimpered in uncontrolled longing. I lifted my head to look at her; her cheeks were flushed and her eyes flashed wildly with desire. There was no longer any trace of fear. I shifted my hips slightly, allowing my hardness to slide through the wetness that had pooled between her legs, and a deep, guttural groan emerged from her chest. I shifted my hips again, aligning myself at her slick entrance. Our eyes met, and her breath caught. Her hands pressed insistently against my backside, encouraging me._

_We both took measured breaths as I eased forward slowly, allowing her heat to engulf me for the first time. I paused when I encountered resistance, but she prevented any thought I had of stopping by bucking her hips upwards against mine, pushing me through her maiden barrier. She inhaled sharply and I felt her tight walls clench around me in rejection of this invasion. The heat and the tightness were overwhelming and I dropped my head to her shoulder, gasping along with her._

_We stayed still, completely motionless, for a moment, both of us adjusting to the intense sensations and emotions of the moment. Her hands drifted from my backside to my shoulders, and she hugged me tightly._

"_I love you, Edward," she whispered, her lips brushing the shell of my ear as she spoke._

"_And I love you…" I returned, my head still buried in her shoulder._

_I began to move slowly, pulling back and pushing forward gently. We rocked together for a few moments, her body stretching with each of my gentle thrusts, her hips tilting tentatively to meet mine. Again, I was overwhelmed. By Bella. Sensations I had never experienced before ripped through my body, tearing me apart on the inside, then immediately resealing the wounds to make me better—more complete—than I had been before. I buried my nose deeper into the juncture of her neck and shoulders, breathing in her sweet scent. Amazed by the fact I was connected to her in so many ways._

"_Bella…" I groaned._

_She moaned in response, moving more purposefully against me, her hips rising confidently to meet each one of my thrusts. The tingles began to build in my abdomen again, bursting forth in bright waves that radiated from my center to all of my extremities. My hands moved to the headboard as my movements began to increase in speed and force, and I heard it crack as I pushed against it in an attempt to divert some of my powerful emotions. Bella whimpered and moaned more urgently with each thrusting motion. Her fingers gripped my shoulders tightly, searching for purchase. Just when I felt I could not hold in my release any longer, her body tensed beneath mine._

"_Edward…" she moaned, a slightly awed tone to her voice._

_The sound of my name on her tongue—so reverent and loving-sent me over the edge. I spilled into her with thick pulses of cool fluid. My climax triggered her own; at my first contraction, her legs squeezed my hips, her warm, wet walls clenched around me, and she cried out. Together, we tumbled into the abyss of swirling sensation that accompanied our release._

~/~

Although that memory was full of sweetly innocent first love, I began to tense with the retelling of the story.

"What then, Bella?"

She looked at me in confusion and once again began shaking her head. But she said nothing.

"What happened next?" I prodded.

Her uncertainty turned to distress. "I don't know… That's the last thing I remember about that night—holding you tightly as I rode out the waves of pleasure your body provided. The next memory I have is of Italy…"

I groaned in defeat, in misery, and the panic began growing in her eyes.

"Edward?" her voice pleaded with me. "What is it?"

I dropped my head to my hands again, and her quietly beseeching voice tore at me.

"What am I forgetting?"

~/~

"_Edward," she moaned my name again._

_Caught in the throes of passion, I flexed my fingers against the wooden headboard and felt it crumble beneath my hand. I groaned deeply into her neck._

"_Oh!" she grunted, surprised, her hands tightening on my shoulders._

_Suddenly, I was inundated by her inner thoughts. I was startled by their surprise appearance. For over a year-and-a-half, I had not been able to penetrate Bella's mind; her thoughts had always been closed to me. But now, in the moment of sexual release, I was suddenly able to see into her mind. This must be the clue—only when we were joined did I have access to the inner workings of her mind. Only when I became __**part**__ of her, could her protective shield be breached._

_Her thoughts centered on me, on us. I watched as each memory she had of the two of us together flashed through her mind: our first meeting, our first conversation, the accident with Tyler's van, the night in Port Angeles, our first trip to the meadow, our first kiss… I was flooded with the history of our time together, and I was humbled by the love which emanated from her. Burying my head deeper into her neck, I squeezed my eyes tightly shut, concentrating on each memory she provided me, amazed by the depth of her love for me. _

_I drank in each memory, cherishing them in a way an alcoholic cherished his next drink or a drug addict cherished his next hit—this was necessity. But all too soon, the high induced by our sexual release wore off, and her thoughts began to fade._

"_I love you, Edward…" she whispered weakly._

_Her arms fell from my shoulders to land limply at her side, and her thoughts were once again silent. I was too spent to move, my body overwhelmed by sensation and emotion. Never before had I felt so drained, yet so exhilarated at the same time. _

_It took me a moment to realize something wasn't right. I was still lying on top of her, still inside of her, when it dawned on me that more than just her mind was silent. _

_It wasn't just emotion that was flooding my body… _

_I lifted my head from her neck and looked down upon Bella in horror; she stared back, lifeless, at me. As I stared at the shredded skin and blood coating the base of her neck, I realized it wasn't me being inside of her that gave me access to her mind, it was taking her into me. As I had fed on her thoughts, I had fed on her blood, and in the process, I had taken her life._

"_NO!" I screamed, wrenching myself upright, yanking her limp body along with me. _

_I cradled her to my chest, rocking her slowly, begging her to come back to me. Then I began biting her, forcing my venom into her skin at all the pressure points: neck, wrist, elbow, knee. But it was too late, and I knew it. I had completely drained her while I gloried in the thoughts revealed by her mind, in her love for me; I hadn't left enough blood to sustain her heart for the change. _

~/~

I looked up to Bella with agony pouring from every fiber of my being. She looked horrified, but she didn't say a word. I saw the realization in her eyes; she finally understood how all this had come to be.

"I can't do this anymore, Bella. My actions that night prove I _am_ the monster I always knew myself to be, even though you tried to convince me otherwise. I did this to you—to us—and knowing I am the cause of your condemnation has been destroying me for the past three years. Only your… _presence_…" I waved my hands in her direction, "…has kept me from my fate. I have allowed you to deter me so many times over the past three years, but I realize now that _that_ was a mistake. I have to pay for my sins, I have to make atonement…"

I stood slowly and walked away. I left her sitting there, sobbing, next to the only remaining physical reminders of her life: the small stone that marked her grave and the ring she had given me. I didn't deserve it—just like I had never deserved her love—and I couldn't take it with me where I was going.

~/~/~/~

I arrived in Italy the following morning. When I was ushered in to see the Volturi, there were no pretenses; in the vampire world, there are very few secrets. I was immediately inundated with thoughts, and though I did my best to ignore them, it was an impossible task. My situation was not as circumspect as I would have liked it to be, and everyone—from the lowly human secretary, a new one, I noticed, to the guard member who led me to where all three elders were seated in their chairs—was speculating about both myself and my visit. My disheveled appearance likely only added to the conjecture; I looked and felt ragged and raw, exposed.

Upon entering the antechamber, I was met with condescending glances and scornful thoughts. Demetri and Felix made crude jokes about how our… _strange_ ... lifestyle choice had made me weak, and how only passion—for a human, no less—had brought out my true vampire nature. They found it amusing my first victim just happened to be the one who introduced me to that passion. Jane and Alec were especially disdainful, delighting in my abject misery; they were laughing joyfully in their minds as they envisioned Bella's broken body lying underneath mine. Even that macabre detail—I had taken her life in my moment of sexual release—was obviously a well known fact, much to my horror.

I groaned as the intentionally cruel images flooded through my mind, each more graphically horrifying than the one previous. The thoughts of every guard member centered on Bella's death and my role in it. I was so overwhelmed by all the inescapable voices in my head that I didn't realize the newest thoughts had actually been verbalized.

"So sorry to hear about sweet Bella. So sad."

It was Aro who had spoken. He had risen from his seat, his head cocked to the side as his sickeningly sweet voice apologized for my loss. But it felt false, fake, and I knew his condolences were not sincere. This thought was proven true as he spoke again.

"But really, Edward… What were you thinking? A human?" He laughed, humorlessly. "If you loved her so much—and I know how much you loved her, I saw, remember—you should have changed her first. You were supposed to—"

I cut him off. "Enough! We both know why I'm here, Aro, and it's not for the platitudes or a reminder of what I should have done."

Caius growled at my interruption, his thoughts turning vitriolic, but Aro held his hand up. His smile was patronizing, and his words were vaguely mocking.

"True, true. This is not the time for reminders. What's done is done, and revisiting that situation would indeed be needlessly cruel. And yes, I have a good idea of why you are here. But why don't you tell me anyways… just to make sure we're on the same page?"

He looked at me expectantly.

"I wish to die," I stated. "No, I _need_ to die, and you are the only one who can grant me death."

Aro templed his fingers under his chin as he studied me, his mind strangely silent, and I briefly wondered if he had found a way to block his thoughts from me. Not that it mattered… I stared back unflinching; there was no doubt in my request, because there was no question that Bella _was_ dead. Her blood, her life, had been spilled from her body by my own hand—my teeth—this time. Eventually, he smiled. Then he spoke.

"We've had this discussion before, young Edward. And my answer is the same this time as it was the last time. I won't willingly end your life. Besides, you're too… _interesting_. You've provided so much entertainment over the past several years. That, in and of itself, is quite novel in our world."

Caius laughed cruelly as Aro spoke, and the sound caused me to flinch. Caius's thoughts demonstrated that I was indeed entertaining, at least to him; his gleeful imaginings of the simultaneous pleasure and pain I had experienced at Bella's… _passing_… were revolting. I growled low in my throat, and Aro's eyebrows shot up when he registered my glowering frown. His eyes slid to Caius, and he frowned when he took in the satisfied expression on the other elder's face. After some sort of silent interaction, to which I was not privy and which caused Caius to frown—but at least put a halt to his abhorrent train of thought—Aro slowly rose from his chair and advanced towards me.

"I am curious, however, as to why you are coming to us now…" he mused. "I really expected to see you long before this…"

He held out his hand to me in invitation, and without hesitation I placed my hand on his. Aro closed his eyes and bent his head over my hand as he pilfered my mind, learning about everything that had happened in the past three years: the disastrous end to our honeymoon; my initial and immediate trip to Italy and Bella's unexpected reappearance; my self-induced exile and unwillingness to see any member of my family; my yearly treks to Isle Esme and Italy; and the nothingness in between that was filled only with Bella's spectral presence and bitter rumblings. He sucked in an astonished breath as he came to the end.

Aro raised his head, and dropped my hand, all the while eying me speculatively.

"So much pain, so much loss…" he reflected.

He paused for a moment, head cocked in contemplation. "I can understand why you want to escape… But still, my answer is no. We all make mistakes, Edward, and we have to learn to live with them. You also need to consider what you have to offer our society. You have many gifts, Edward. Gifts that could still be useful to us, and as long as your divining potential still exists, I will not willingly grant your request."

He turned away, effectively dismissing me. With a wave of his hand, a guard member arrived at my side to escort me from the room.

As I reached the door, a strange voice—one that I had never heard used aloud—stopped me.

"We remember the last time you came to Volterra and made this request, Edward. I think I speak for everyone here when I tell you that we would all appreciate if you would stay indoors this afternoon…"

The words were ones of caution, but there was something in Marcus' tone that made me turn around. When my gaze met his, he gave an almost imperceptible nod, and his silent words flooded my mind.

_I have felt your pain, Edward, and it is beyond anything I have ever experienced-even my own. I know how it feels to lose a mate. Although I cannot say this in front of the others, I am sympathetic. I do not have the option of ending my life—Aro won't allow it. But I __**can**__ help you. So… if you are serious… Noon. The clock tower. I think even you will be able to find the irony in that._

I gave no outward appearance that I had heard anything other than his spoken words. And to everyone else in the room, my words would sound like an answer to his verbal remonstration.

"Yes, sir, I understand."

I turned and fled the room.

~/~/~/~

Midday found me once again standing under the clock tower. As I stared out into the square, which was filled with people who really were completely unaware of the true nature of this city, I wondered at the difference between this trip to Italy and the others I had taken over the previous three years. Bella still haunted me; although I tuned her out, she had stood at the back of the room while I had talked to Aro and Marcus, begging me to leave. When that didn't work, she berated me for my past mistakes. She was standing across the room from me now, reminding me once more that I had done this to her. That I owed her. It was a scene which had been repeated hundreds of times over the past three years in every setting imaginable.

It took me a moment to realize that _I_ was the difference this time.

In the past, especially when I had come here, I hadn't been ready to make this decision, despite what I thought or said. Because I still wasn't willing to let go. I now realized that I had only done us both a disservice, allowing neither of us to move on. She was right. I _had_ trapped her in this non-life, just not in the way that I had always understood her words to mean. I had trapped us both here by not being willing to let _her_ go. That was a mistake I was now finally ready to rectify.

I had to let her go so she could move on.

The only way for me to accomplish that, it seemed, was by giving up my own life. Only then would she truly be free. I closed my eyes, wishing only for her freedom and happiness. For my death. When I opened them, the harbinger of that desire was standing at my side.

"Are you sure about this, Edward?" Marcus asked quietly.

"Sure about what, Edward?" Bella taunted me from across the room.

I frowned at her grating voice and turned to look at her as I responded. "Yes. It's the only way."

The finality in my tone must have alerted her to the fact that something was different this time. The haughty expression left her face to be replaced with something softer, yet still uncertain.

"The only way for what?" she quietly asked.

"The only way for you to move on…" I told her.

Bella huffed, and Marcus sucked in a shocked breath

"She's here with you. Now." It was a statement, not a question.

I nodded.

"She's _always_ with me," I responded fervently, never taking my eyes off her. "She never leaves. I can't let her go. That is why _this_ is the only solution."

Marcus turned his eyes in the direction I was looking. I knew she was visible only to me—a spectre from my past who constantly haunted only me—but he stared intently at the corner of the room where Bella stood.

"Aro told us of your… delusions… after you left. But this is something more than a mere hallucination. I can feel it."

His hand came up to rest against his chest at the place where his heart should have resided. We stood in silence for a moment. Eventually, his hand dropped to one again rest at his side. He turned to look at me

"Are you ready?" he asked quietly.

"Ready for what, Edward?" Bella asked from across the room.

I stared at her in silence for a moment, and then nodded my head slightly.

"I will make this as quick and painless as possible," he told me.

"Edward?" Bella's voice was now panic-filled.

I assumed that she was as afraid to let go as I was.

"I'm doing this for you, love," I whispered brokenly. "I know that this will be the end for me, but you deserve so much more... You deserve heaven, not the hell in which I reside. I will always love you, Bella, but I need you to be happy, and this is the only way for me to ensure that will happen. Please… go and be happy. For me."

I closed my eyes to her beautiful, cold visage and took a deep breath. I imagined her walking, happy and free, into the light of the midday sun, and I swore I felt the cool touch of her fingers on my arm as she passed. When I opened my eyes again, she was gone. I turned to Marcus.

"I'm ready."

Turning around, I looked out across the sun-filled courtyard. It was now surprisingly empty; somehow in the few moments that we had been standing here, the patrons of the city had been cleared from the area. Marcus gestured to the now-empty square.

"After you…"

I closed my eyes again and took a deep, calming breath. A smile finally touched my lips as I pictured one of the happiest days of my life. I could almost smell the crisp, cool Washington air, with just a hint of the scent of wildflowers, and I smiled more widely as I envisioned Bella lying in the center of our meadow, soft and warm. Alive. In my mind, I heard the rapid beat of her excited heart and smelled the flush of blood that tinged her cheeks. I sighed her name.

"Bella…"

She looked up in response to my greeting, a welcoming smile on her lips. At that moment, the clock began to chime the noon hour. Smiling widely, I stepped forward into the sun.

And suddenly, I was there, standing in the meadow. The cool, crisp air feathered across my skin, and the soft grass sprang beneath my bare feet. I curled my toes into the cool blades and closed my eyes, savoring all of the sensations and smells. Inhaling deeply, I was inundated with the scent of crushed grass, wildflowers, and her.

_Bella_.

Carlisle _had_ been right after all.

When I opened my eyes, Bella had risen to her feet. She was slowly approaching me.

"Edward?" she asked tentatively.

Her smile widened as I nodded in return, and her eyes excitedly roved my figure. I looked eagerly at her as well. She was beautiful again, warm, flushed with color, full of life. Her mahogany hair hung in loose curls around her shoulders that bounced with each step that she took, and her chocolate eyes sparkled.

She was finally free. Relief washed over me in comforting waves as I sighed her name again.

"Bella…"

She smiled in response as she halted several feet in front of me. But then her eyes pinched and her head cocked to the side in contemplation.

"What took you so long, Edward? I've been waiting for you."

I was bewildered by her question. "What do you mean? I just left you."

She shook her head in the negative. "No... I've been waiting for you for quite some time. I always knew you'd come—you promised me that whenever my… _time_ … came you would follow me—I just didn't know when you would arrive."

I frowned. "Bella… the only reason I didn't come earlier is because you were with me… _there_… and you begged me not to leave you. I listened to you for three years. Only just now did I finally let you go…"

She cut me off with another head shake. "No, Edward. That wasn't me. I would never do that."

My confusion must have shown on my face because she smiled reassuringly at me. But if Bella had been here, who… I groaned as realization struck.

She had never stopped believing that I possessed a soul; she had never stopped believing in _me_. But by not believing in _her_, by failing to recognize that the Bella I had been holding on to for the past three years was nothing but a pale imitation—a projection of my own fears and regrets—I had failed her yet again. I still didn't deserve her.

"I've been waiting for you because I know that you belong _here_, with me. I love you, Edward, and I didn't want to go in there…" she nodded over her head towards the white light that I, for the first time, noticed was shining brightly from between the trees, "…without you."

I turned my head towards the light she indicated and looked at it intently. I had the vague impression of… _something_… moving within the light. I frowned. Bella glanced back over her shoulder, looking for what had caught my attention. She smiled when she saw the indistinct shapes moving within the light.

"They'll come for us now. I've watched so many people go in while I waited. They wanted me to go, tried to convince me a long time ago, but I told them I wouldn't go. Not without you. I was beginning to think that you would never come. I would have waited forever, but now I don't have to wait anymore."

She looked at me and smiled. Then took a step closer, and another, and another. Until she was standing directly in front of me.

As I stared into her eyes, desperately seeking answers, she gasped slightly.

"Edward… your eyes…"

"What about them?" I asked warily.

"They're green," she stated with a smile.

She reached out and grasped my hand. I gasped at the sensation that radiated up my arm at the feel of her warm hand clasping mine. It took me a moment to realize that it only felt warm, not hot like it used to. I looked down at our joined hands and was shocked to see that my hands were flushed with color like hers, my fingernails a healthy pink color. My wedding ring once again adorned my finger, and when I glanced to her hand, I was happy to find that hers was there, too.

I tugged her hand slightly and her body crashed into mine. I wrapped my arms around her and buried my nose in her hair, inhaling deeply. I laughed joyfully as I held her in my arms—my warm, non-vampire arms—for the first time, and lowered my face to hers, capturing her lips tenderly, worshipping her mouth with my own.

"I love you," I murmured over and over again against her lips.

After a few moments, she stepped back and looked at me with another breathtaking smile. There was a rustling sound behind me, and she looked over my shoulder. Her eyes widened a bit, and then she blinked and nodded. Turning her gaze back to me, she spoke, her voice unwavering.

"It's time, Edward."

I smiled and nodded in return. It _was_ time.

We turned slowly. Holding hands, we walked across the meadow and into the light.

* * *

**A/N: **So… this one was quite different for me: angst and death, Heaven and Hell. I know it wasn't pretty, but luckily I can only take so much angst, so I tried my best—in the context of this story and the contest rules—to give this Edward and Bella a happy ending… What did you think? Was this a fitting end to this story?

**Reminder:** This is a contest entry. Judges will be choosing the finalists in the next week and voting will start on April 9th, 2010. If you liked this story and would like to vote when the contest opens, please put me on author alert; I will update this story with a note if I make the finals.

Thank you for your support!

I love you all.

:)

KL

**4/8/10 edit:**

I would like to thank all of you who read and reviewed _Spectre of the Past _and who tagged me because of this story. Your thoughtful comments mean so much to me, and I'm glad that this story touched each of you in so many different ways.

I really wanted to explore the idea of Edward succumbing to his vampiric nature—at the moment of his greatest pleasure with Bella—then being tortured by his own grief following her death. Essentially, torturing himself to the extent that he could not end his life as he promised he would, instead holding on to the merest hope that Bella was somehow still with him… Only when he finally let go, did he realize that the Bella he was holding on to was one of his own making (and a bitter, judgemental version at that), and that he was indeed redeemable (he still possessed his soul); he had not damned Bella as he feared—she was waiting for him in the afterlife.

It is with great disappointment that I have to announce that I did not make the top 20 by judge's choice. I can only assume that my somewhat positive resolution of the story was not what the judges were looking for as this is an "angst contest". But please, go and vote for your other favorite stories when voting opens tomorrow.

Thank You for your support!

I love all you guys.

KL

* * *

8/23/10

Spectre of the Past has been nominated for the Single Shot Awards (Awards for one-shots) in the category of best tragedy/angst!

thesingleshotawards (dot) blogspot (dot) com

First round voting is open until 8/30/10.

A very big thank you to all who have read and reviewed this story. I appreciate your support greatly! This tale still touches me in ways that none of my other works ever will, and I'm glad that I could share it with you!

KL


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